Going In for the Kill

2012-02-24_07-30-06_338

Scar tissue is my nemesis.  My PT guy is waging a war against my nemesis.  The problem is I am caught in the crossfire.  The scar tissue feels like hard knot on my muscles and tendons.  He gropes my leg until he finds scar tissue, then he presses on the knot until it breaks apart.  Sometimes, he will press down on the knot with one hand and move my leg with the other hand in an attempt to pull the scar tissue off the muscle, sort of like stripping an electrical wire. 

It is about as much as fun as it sounds.  I have almost passed out from the pain.  I have seen stars, literally... just like in the cartoons.  PT guy has to remind me to breathe.  I have almost cried... almost... but I refuse to allow a tear to fall.  It's not that I am ashamed to cry.  I simply refuse to give into the pain. 

When the university sends PT students to observe my PT guy, he always has them observe my appointment.  When he starts in on the scar tissue, they all cringe.  Most look away.  One big, athletic guy went pale and slowly slid down the wall in a rumpled heap.  When he left the office, I suspect he headed straight to registrar's office to change his major.

This last session was the most brutal... so far.  At the end of the session, PT Guy apologized for the pain.  He said, "you're amazing.  I don't know anyone else who could take that much."  When I got home, I crawled to my bed, curled into the fetal position, and slept longer than I have slept in ages.  PT Guy said having your body assaulted will do that.   This was the first time for actual bruises.  This photo was taken just a few hours after my appointment.  As the day progressed, more bruises appeared.  I spent the day icing my bruises, but still massaged the scar tissue to keep it from rebuilding. 

Every twelve hours, I have to do deep tissue, cross frictional massage to keep the scar tissue from rebuilding, bigger and stronger.  It is difficult to get enough force and leverage on your own body.  The daily work I do simply keeps my nemesis at bay.  PT Guy goes in for the kill.  I just wish I didn't have to get beat up in the process. 

 

i <3 Pinterest

I love Pinterest. It works for me, for the way my brain works.  I am a very visual person.  All those images.... bliss. 

The social sharing side of Pinterest has exposed to me so many more ideas and images than I would have ever found on my own.  It is like I have a whole bunch of friends doing Google searches for me.  They weed through the trash and deliver only the real gems of the internet.  That is the biggest advantage for me.  

The search feature is not the best.  Members are partially to blame.  If the description of the pin is only "so cute," the search engine has nothing to latch onto.  If people (including me) would do a better job of describing their pins, the search would work better.  A better description would be "lace socks #knitting". I am trying to add better descriptions, but sometimes I am in too much of a hurry. 

Why not just bookmark or download all of these tutorials and images to my computer?  Well, that would be a whole lot stuff on my computer.  More importantly, I have moved "into the cloud." I don't use just one computer.  I use my Xoom tablet and my Droid phone much more than my desktop computer.  When I have a break at school, I log into whatever computer is available.  I like being able to access my stuff from anywhere. 

It may sound pretentious, but I usually don't need the the tutorial.  Seeing the image is enough.  When I first pin something, I usually click through to the original link.  Once I have read it, seeing the image is enough to jog my memory.  There are a few things that I will upload to Evernote, for safe keeping. 

Most of what I pin is inspiration.  I am not planning on duplicating what I pin, but something about it catches my fancy.  That idea will spark my own ideas.  I have never been good at copying something exactly.  I always have to go off in my own direction. 

Links break.  Something I pinned last week might suddenly appear with that sad, little broken box that tells me the link no longer works.  It is sad, but there are many more pins in the sea.  There is always something new and wonderful. I will never, ever in twenty-seven lifetimes make all of the things I have pinned so I don't waste mourning the loss of a few pins. 

Pinterest can also be collaborative.  I am working on a decorating project.  A friend who lives far, far away has very similar taste.  I set up a pin board and added her as a contributor.  She adds pins of things that she thinks might work for my project.  When I met with the furniture people, instead of trying to describe the look I want, I showed them my pin board.  They had never seen Pinterest, but they will definitely be using it with their clients in the future.  My son is making some pottery pieces for the project.  At school, he can pull up my pin board to see colors and styles.  His art teacher had the students set up their own Pinterest accounts to store images for inspiration.  The students and teachers can easily share things.

Like anything else, there are problems.  People do not always link images back to the original source.  That is a copyright issue.  Some people are posting the entire tutorial/idea right on Pinterest which means there is no incentive to click through to the original link.  For people who make money for clicks on their blog, this is a problem.  My guess is most people are just not thinking, no malice involved.  Educating pinners will help, but there will always be "stolen" content issues.  The internet is still in the Wild, Wild West days. 

Pinterest is addictive.  New pins pop up constantly, each one prettier than the last.  If someone repins one of my pins, I try to check out their boards because we might share similar tastes.  Then I might end up following one of their boards, which means more pins popping up.  It never stops... thank goodness. 

 

Braided Scarf

2012-02-12_20-00-48_434

This blog has been kind of a downer lately.  I thought it was time to prove that my life isn't totally doom and gloom.  This is a scarf I made for one of my physical therapists.  He is a big, macho guy with arms as big as my whole body.  When he found out that I know how to knit, he turned into a giddy, little boy and asked if I would knit him a warm scarf.  He said his grandmother use to knit things for him.  Great...I love being equated to someone's grandmother.  I let it slide because he has taken such good care of me through all this knee drama and he is totally adorable. 

I had never tried cable knitting before.  This pattern gave me lots of practice!  I love that this scarf is the same in both sides.  It is super thick and soft.  As luck would have it, we've had an insanely warm winter with no need for a scarf, but he will be all set for next winter. 

 

My Cat From Hell

Perhaps it is the anesthesia.  After surgery, my insomnia goes into overdrive.  Instead of my usual 4 to 5 hours a night,  my sleep is cut down to only 2 or 3 hours a night.  After my big surgery, I went for three days with only a handful of 20 minute catnaps.  Not a handful per day... a handful over the course of three days.  I watch a lot of television to fill the hours.  After the big surgery, I became obsessed with the Law & Order series, all of them.  SVU was my favorite because Chris Meloni is pretty.  Criminal Minds also filled the hours because Shemar Moore is very pretty, too. 

Given how long I was laid up with that surgery, I am pretty sure I have seen every episode at least three times.  As much as I love looking at Chris and Shemar, I needed something new to watch this time.  I don't know why I watched the first episode, but I was immediately sucked into "My Cat From Hell" on Animal Planet.  When I tried to make my way downstairs for dinner, I set the DVR so I wouldn't miss a minute of the MCFH marathon.  Sad.  Truly sad. 

Just in case you have missed this little gem, MCFH is basically The Dog Whisperer for cats.  This huge guy with a shaved head, tons of tats, and a weird beard helps people who have out of control cats.  These cats act like they are on crack... bad crack.  The owners aren't much better.  The big guy comes in, gets down on the floor and makes "soft eyes" at the crack head cats.  Yes, the big guy actually uses the phrase "soft eyes."  I am a sucker for a big guy who is not afraid to make soft eyes at a hissing, spitting cat with razor blades for claws.  He gets that all the hissing and spitting is fear, not aggression.  The cats are always won over by the big guy, but only after they draw little blood. 

My boys are sweet.  They actually sat through an episode with me.  I apologized for making them watch MCFH.  C said, "It could be worse.  At least you didn't start watching the Real Housewives of Wherever."  C doesn't realize now that the MCFH marathon is over, I am on the prowl for another series to fill my sleepless night. 

 

Here We Go Again

2012-02-03_16-52-02_178

Yesterday, I had my fourth surgery in less than four years.  Yeah, I am so over this.  Before the Fulkerson surgery (Sept 2010), I was prepared for the worst.  My surgeon kept saying, "This surgery will take you down.  It will flatten you." There was no typical "you will feel a pinch" doctor-speak.  He even sent me to Connecticut to see Dr Fulkerson, who developed the Fulkerson procedure to be sure that I really needed this surgery.  My PT guys shuddered when they talked about the post op rehab.  I was told I would need to take at least three months off of work.  I was given prescriptions for large quantities of narcotics and told to "stay on top of the pain."  I woke up in the recovery room with a death grip on the button for the morphine pump.  As the anesthesia wore off, I realized I was not really in pain.  The pain never really came.  It hurt.  The doctor broke my leg and screwed back together.  So, yeah, it hurt, but not even as bad as my other surgeries. 

All that fear and hype for nothing.  The doctor and PT guys had a hard keeping me down long enough for the bone graft to heal.  I was the rock star of the ortho department.  Five months later, for a reason we still have not figured out, I woke up in terrible pain.  For the last year, we have tried injections, e-stim, Russian stim, acupuncture, pool therapy... just about every kind of rehab imaginable.  My surgeon sent me for second, third, and fourth opinions.  My PT guy brought in other PT guys for advice.  No one has been able to unravel the mystery.

The screws have always bothered me.  Because my bones are so thin and there is no fat or muscle, the screws stuck out.  In an effort to take away even a little bit of my pain, my surgeon agreed that it was time to remove the screws.  Hallelujah.

Everyone said this was a simple surgery.  Crutches would not even be needed.  When PT guy said he wanted me back in the clinic the next day, I took that as a sign that this would be a piece of cake.  I woke up in recovery with no pain.  I made it up the stairs to my bed with no assistance.  Piece of cake.  Then the drugs wore off.  Pain. Ok, not the worst pain ever, but more than I was prepared for.

The appointment with PT guy was encouraging, but exhausting.  He was so thrilled that I could still fire my quad that he called in the other PT guys to come see it.  The whole time, I was holding my breath in fear that he would make me do things that would make the pain even worse.  He didn't.  He changed the dressings and told me to spend the weekend in bed, with movies and martinis.  Then he said the C word, crutches.  He wants me to use crutches for a few days.  Hmmmm....perhaps this isn't as easy as everyone said. 

The pain isn't horrible.  The swelling is.  When PT guy isn't pushing me to the point of tears, that tells me something.  I thought I would bounce back from this in just a few days.  Yeah....that's not going to happen.  It isn't horrible.  I've been through worse, but that's the problem.  I have been through this too many times.

I will get through this.  I know that. It is just hard to keep "getting through this."  I need this one to be easy, uncomplicated.

 

Freedom

012212210825

This drawing was done by a friend's profoundly autistic son.  He loves to draw.  His teachers use it as a bribe to get him to do stuff he needs to do.  I feel honored to have one of his drawings hanging in my foyer.  Every time I walk by, I think of L drawing that picture.  I can see him... hunched over the table, so intent on the colors and movement.... shutting the rest of the world... just him and the colors. 

While I would never envy autism, I do envy the freedom in L's art.  He draws without concern for what others will think.  He isn't plagued by the question "is it good enough."  His drawings come from his soul.  He draws not to please others, but to satisfy his own inner needs. 

That is what I have to get back to.  My life has changed.  Chronic pain has changed my life.  My life is changing.  There are lots of changes on the horizon... which I am not quite ready to talk about... may not ever be ready to talk about.

I need to stop trying to be who I was and be who I am now.  I keep trying to be who I was because I don't want to disappoint people.  The reality is they aren't getting the old me.  They are getting a second rate imitation.  I need to stop trying to please others with this second rate imitation.  I need to listen to my own inner needs.  It won't be the old me, but I think it will be a better me.  I know it will be a happier me. 

 

Octopus Hat

J is the boy who asks for nothing.  When asked what he wants for his birthday,  he will usually suggest a book or a video game, but never anything big, complicated or expensive.  I love that he is so low maintenance and easy going, but I always worry that I don't do enough for him.  C loves the handknit socks I have made for him.  J said he really didn't want any.  His Hanes socks work just fine.  So practical.   When I saw the pattern for this octopus hat on Ravelry, I knew I had to make it for him. 

I even paid for the pattern.  With so many free patterns available online, this is the first time I have paid for a knitting pattern.  OK, it was only $3, but I am not sure it was really worth the three dollars.  The directions were lame.  I ended up just doing my own thing and only using the chart for the octopus design.  In hindsight, I could have drawn that myself.  Oh well. 

This was my first attempt at a large scale color work pattern.  I should have made my floats a bit looser.  I tend to knit very tightly.   I must learn to relax more in my knitting.  Color work is really not difficult.  I used a sticky note to keep track on my place ôn the chart.  The knitting went really fast.

The yarn is Palette from Knitpicks.  It is very smooth and knits easily.  I worried about using a fingering weight yarn for a hat.  It is fine, but I think I would use a slightly heavier yarn if I made another one. 

My son LOVES his hat.  It allows him to proudly display his love of cephalopods while staying toasty warm. 

(download)

 

Oink

When I learned to knit socks, I initially tried DPNs and promptly abandoned them in favor of circular needles.  The pig was too small for circular needles.  This little oinker
Was cute enough to convince me to try DPNs again.  I love the pig, but I still don't love DPNs, especially metal ones.  I am quickly learning that bamboo needles are my favorite. 

The pattern is available for free at Spud and Chloe. The directions were clear enough for me to easily understand given my novice knitter standing. 

The is Red Heart acrylic.  I know, I know....  sigh.  It is what I had on hand.  That's what happens when i decide to start a project in the middle of the night.  Between the Red Heart and the metal needles, the only thing that saved this project is the incredible cuteness of the little pig. 

I couldn't resist adding a little bow on his tail.  I also added a ribbon so the pig could be a Christmas tree ornament for a friend. 

(download)

 

The Kindness of Strangers

"Whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." ~~Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire

From an early age, I learned to take care of myself, to be fiercely independent.   I have always been the one who helps, never the one who needs help.  This whole knee saga has forced me to accept help from others.  Friends have been amazing.  That didn't particularly surprise me.  I am extremely grateful, but not surprised.  I have incredible friends who do incredible things.  However, I did not count on the kindness of strangers. 

When I was on crutches or wearing a brace, people helped me with packages or held doors open for me.  People were helpful and nice to me.  When I flew to Connecticut to see the specialist, I squirmed in the tiny airplane seat to find a comfortable position for my knee.  The man seated next to me noticed I was in pain.  He asked if wanted to stretch my leg across his knees.  We acknowledged the creepiness and awkwardness of his offer, but I was in so much pain, that I accepted.  The guy sitting next to us cast a few uncomfortable glances.  My human leg rest was a complete and delightful gentleman. 

Once my disability became invisible because I no longer wore a brace, I expected the special treatment to disappear.  Nope.  People are still kind. 

At a gallery show, I chatted with the artist for a few minutes about his work and art in general.  A few days later, a mysterious package was delivered.  The artist sent me one of his pieces with a note, "I wanted you to have this.  My gift to you." 

When the guy came to clean out the gutters, he climbed on the roof and used a leaf blower to blow all the leaves out of the gutters.  I expected him to clean up the leaves and muck that came out of the gutters.  I did not expect him to clean up ALL the leaves in the yard. 

On a cold rainy morning, a darling young man offered to pump my gas for me so I could stay in my warm car. 

I was the last to order at a restaurant because I couldn't decide between two entrees.  When the food was served, the waiter brought the entrée I ordered... and a smaller plate with a sampling of the other entrée.  With a big smile, he said, "I know you really wanted both."  He was right.  Both were delicious and totally consumed.

Of course, there is my amazing PT guy who stays in touch with me, my surgeon, and my new PT guy, even though he has moved out of state.  He continues to research my case, offering suggestions and advice.  He is still my biggest cheerleader when I start to lose motivation.

I went with a friend to listen to her husband's band play Christmas songs at an outdoor cafe.  We ordered drinks and dessert.  The waiter kept our glasses full and my slice of cake was huge.  When we asked for the check, he said, "It's my treat tonight.  I hope you have a great night."  Of course we left him a great tip, but what a sweet surprise. 

 

Photo Switch

2011-11-30_15-50-58_339

I was all set to take photos of my sassy new top and my awesome not quite so new jacket.  Black jeans and fabulous black boots completed the ensemble.  There was a definite swagger today.  When I got home from a super fabulous day, I raced upstairs to take a photo... only to discover that the camera battery is dead.... again... It holds a charge for about 22 seconds.  I really need to buy a new battery.  Perhaps I should stop writing this post and hop over to Amazon. 

Ok, hopped over to Amazon and was not impressed with the prices, so I checked prices on Google.  I found another place that has the battery for $10 less, but I am too lazy to retrieve my wallet from downstairs.  The site as been bookmarked and a new battery *will* be purchased tomorrow. 

Instead of sharing sewing photos, I will share my good, good day.  It started out with a surprise visit from a good friend.  I don't get to see him nearly often enough.  No matter what is going on, he can always make me smile.  After our visit, I went to an arts and craft fair to see another friend who was selling her dichroic glass jewelry.  There wasn't much time to chat because my friend was trying to sell her stuff, but we made plans to have lunch next week.  It was great fun to check out all the different vendors.  Some were beautifully artsy and some were amusingly craftsy.  The glassblower guy invited me to his studio to learn more about glassblowing.  There was another guy who made interesting cuff bracelets from laser cut wood.  He also invited me to check out his studio.  Hmmmm.... perhaps the sassy new outfit had something to do with these invitations.... 

My favorite table at the show was the cupcake lady.  (She did not invite me to her kitchen.)  However, I was ready to marry her because she had maple BACON cupcakes.  OMG  I am in love.  The lemon is also incredibly tasty.  A dozen cupcakes followed me home.  See how pretty they are?  The taste even better. 

The afternoon was topped off by a massage.  My physical therapist "prescribed" the massage.  PT guys spends about 30 minutes "massaging" my leg, but it is not a relaxing, fall asleep on the table massage.  Four letter words and tears are not uncommon.  PT guy suggested a massage the day after our appointment to prevent that day after a hard workout pain.  He said I also deserve a little pampering for all the torture he puts me through.

It took some effort, but I found a massage therapist who specializes in pain management.  He sound fairly smart and normal on the phone.  He really won me over when he did not play any annoying new age or classical music.  No music at all.  A little Ozzy or Nirvana or Zeppelin would have totally worked for me, but no music was better than annoying music.  As he untied the knots in my muscles one by one, we talked about our shared love of our Droid phones.  It was a major geek fest.  It was a blast.  There was no talk of "aligning my chi" or "releasing negative energy."  He did not ask me to find my center or my happy place.  It was awesome. 

He worked the scar tissue for a bit.  For these guys, scar tissue is like a zit... just gotta pop it.  He was impressed that I didn't cry, jump off the table, or swear.  He finished with the relaxing part of the massage.  He even managed to loosen the knot that has plagued my shoulder for months.  Massage guy is new BFF. 

I came home and had another cupcake.