Freedom
This drawing was done by a friend's profoundly autistic son. He loves to draw. His teachers use it as a bribe to get him to do stuff he needs to do. I feel honored to have one of his drawings hanging in my foyer. Every time I walk by, I think of L drawing that picture. I can see him... hunched over the table, so intent on the colors and movement.... shutting the rest of the world... just him and the colors.
While I would never envy autism, I do envy the freedom in L's art. He draws without concern for what others will think. He isn't plagued by the question "is it good enough." His drawings come from his soul. He draws not to please others, but to satisfy his own inner needs.
That is what I have to get back to. My life has changed. Chronic pain has changed my life. My life is changing. There are lots of changes on the horizon... which I am not quite ready to talk about... may not ever be ready to talk about.
I need to stop trying to be who I was and be who I am now. I keep trying to be who I was because I don't want to disappoint people. The reality is they aren't getting the old me. They are getting a second rate imitation. I need to stop trying to please others with this second rate imitation. I need to listen to my own inner needs. It won't be the old me, but I think it will be a better me. I know it will be a happier me.
